


Clusterfuck

by Asuka Kureru (Askerian)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Established Relationship, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Humor, M/M, Multi, Pesterlog, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-26
Updated: 2012-12-26
Packaged: 2017-11-22 12:45:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/609945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/pseuds/Asuka%20Kureru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>GC: 1F YOU GUYS FORC3 M3 TO FL1P 4SH3N 4ND TH3R3FOR3 D3PR1V3 M3 OF 4LL TH4T 4CROB4T1C S3XU4L CONGR3SS W3 S1GN3D ON FOR *TH3 PUN1SHM3NT SH4LL F1T TH3 CR1M3 3X4CTLY*<br/>GC: BY WH1CH 1 M34N MY C4N3 H1D3S TWO R3C3NTLY-SH4RP3N3D BL4D3S 4ND 1T S3R3ND1P1TOUSLY H4PP3NS TH4T B3TW33N TH3 TWO OF YOU YOU GUYS H4V3 TWO BON3BULG3S<br/>GC: WH1CH M1GHT NOT ST4Y TH3 C4S3 LONG </p><p>--</p><p>Okay, good! Terezi, Dave and Karkat have finally figured out this quadrant dating thing. Now to figure out which twosome gets to hook up first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clusterfuck

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prequel/teaser to an actual porn fic that I may or may not actually finish one day. Please no nagging and begging and prodding for said fic, it does the opposite of helping. This stands alone well 'nough as it is, so I might also choose to leave it as is.

CG: I STILL SAY THAT THE HUMAN SHOULD BE THE ONE TO DEAL WITH THE GROSS CASE OF QUADRANT-BENDING. BUT NO, YOU INFLICT YOUR PERVERSIONS ON A PERFECTLY NORMAL TROLL INSTEAD.    
GC: 4ND 1 TOLD YOU 1 DONT C4R3 K4RK4T! H4LF TH3 T1M3 1M SO 3X4SP3R4T3D W1TH YOU W3 M1GHT 4S W3LL B3 SOM3 GROSS M1X OF TOM4TO 4ND CH4RCO4L 4NYW4Y    
TG: if you really mind rezi having doubleflush filled maybe you guys should just go black   
TG: tadahh terezi pyrope mistress of concupiscence one bitch on each arm color coded costumes for convenience   
TG: of course youll be the hussy juggling two kismesexy fucktoys but whats a little sacrifice when its about saving her from that horrible ordeal amirite nothing to do with you being a little hateslut    
CG: *HATESLUT*. THAT'S RICH, COMING FROM YOU, WHO ANTAGONIZE UNFORTUNATE ONLOOKERS EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU DRAW BREATH, AND EVEN SOME TIMES WHEN YOU DON'T.    
CG: PEOPLE ASK, IS DAVE STRIDER TRULY GAGGING FOR MY HATEBONER AS MUCH AS HE SOUNDS LIKE, AND I TELL THEM, IS HE ALIVE? THEN YOU HAVE ANSWERED YOUR OWN FUCKING QUESTION.    
CG: THIS DOES NOT FEEL LIKE BEING CHEATED ON AT ALL, FOR THE RECORD.    
GC: 1F YOU GUYS FORC3 M3 TO FL1P 4SH3N 4ND TH3R3FOR3 D3PR1V3 M3 OF 4LL TH4T 4CROB4T1C S3XU4L CONGR3SS W3 S1GN3D ON FOR *TH3 PUN1SHM3NT SH4LL F1T TH3 CR1M3 3X4CTLY*   
GC: BY WH1CH 1 M34N MY C4N3 H1D3S TWO R3C3NTLY-SH4RP3N3D BL4D3S 4ND 1T S3R3ND1P1TOUSLY H4PP3NS TH4T B3TW33N TH3 TWO OF YOU YOU GUYS H4V3 TWO BON3BULG3S   
GC: WH1CH M1GHT NOT ST4Y TH3 C4S3 LONG    
TG: ...    
CG: ...    
CG: I THINK WE ALL AGREE YOU WOULD MAKE A HORRID AUSPISTICE ANYWAY. IT'S VERY SAD AND SOMETHING I DEEPLY PITY YOU OVER BUT ALAS IT'S STILL TRUE.    
TG: dude doesnt the fact that we agree mean that in fact she doesnt   
TG: why am i the one schooling you on friggin quadrants    
GC: D4V3 WH3N 1 S41D 1 LOOK3D FORW4RD TO 4 *SWORD M4TCH H1NT H1NT NUDG3 NUDG3* W1TH YOU TH1S W4S NOT WH4T 1 H4D 1N M1ND... BUT 1 C4N M4K3 DO! >:[    
TG: shutting up now   
TG: there ill even emote to prove it    
TG: :X    
GC: NOT TH4T 1T DO3SNT W4RM TH3 FROZ3N COCKL3S OF MY V4SCUL4R PUMP TO W1TN3SS BUT TH1S 1S NOT TH3 T1M3 FOR OBS1D14N 4DOR4BL3N3SS   
GC: TH3 COURT SH4LL NOW R3C31V3 CONSTRUCT1V3 SUGG3ST1ONS   
GC: NON-CONSTRUCT1V3 BL4TH3R 4ND 3GR3G1OUS 1NST4NC3S OF FL1RT1NG W1LL B3 GROUNDS FOR 4N 4DM1SS1ON OF GU1LT 4ND 1MM3D14T3 PUN1SHM3NT    
CG: WELL. SINCE THE HUMAN DOESN'T CARE. DAVE, HOW ABOUT *YOU* GO BLACK FOR TEREZI? THEN THE TWO OF US WOULD HAVE FLUSH AND CALIGINOUS FILLED NORMALLY, AND YOU COULD BE ABNORMAL EVEN FOR A HUMAN IN A PRETTY SIMILAR WAY TO WHAT YOU ALREADY ARE.    
TG: are you kidding me no way in hell i could ever hate tz   
TG: be deathly fucking terrified of her yes   
TG: hate her no    
GC: YOU S4Y TH3 SW33T3ST TH1NGS <3   
GC: TH1S 1S NOT TH3 TYP3 OF SUGG3ST1ON 1 W4S LOOK1NG FOR K4RK4T    
GC: B3S1D3S YOU 4LR34DY FL1P YOUR 4P3RTUR3 OBSTRUCT3R OV3R TH3 THOUGHT OF D4V3 BL4CKFL1RT1NG W1TH OUTS1D3RS SO C4N YOU R34LLY H4NDL3 H1M 4CTU4LLY H4V1NG 4 S3COND K1SM3S1S? >:?    
TG: never fear my little nettle bush youre the first and only dude i ever wanted to kiss just so i could get a chance to bite him in the face not even rezi and her enormous swag can change that   
TG: <3< look a hatefish just 4 u bb   
TG: actually its more like a strawberry if you tilt your head the other way huh color conflict here    
GC: > :[ SHOCK1NG!    
GC: Y3T ODDLY 4PPROPR14T3 SOM3HOW   
GC: K4RK4T? 1 4M SURPR1S3D YOU H4V3 NOTH1NG TO 4DD TO TH4T    
TG: you still here dude do i need to come over and prod you in the ass with my splinteriest broken sword or what    
CG: I   
CG: SHUT UP. ARE YOU DONE BLATHERING, BECAUSE I WAS ABOUT TO SPEAK HERE.    
TG: bet you a hundred caegars i dont have hes doing the flusterflail jazz hands faildance    
GC: NO B3T! 4LSO 4WW <3    
CG: ...    
CG: YES WELL OKAY. <3/<3< TOO AND NOW SHUT UP.    
CG: SINCE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO ~TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS~ I MUST INFORM THE TWO OF YOU THAT IT TURNS OUT I WOULD APPARENTLY MIND YOU TWO FLIPPING BLACK A HELL OF A LOT LESS THAN I WOULD EITHER OF YOU WITH OUTSIDERS HAHA OH THE VAGARIES OF KARKAT'S BLOODPUSHER, WHO CAN EVEN FATHOM THEM.   
TG: that   
TG: is fucking adorable   
TG: quick say something irritating before i actually start thinking youre cute i can feel the barf slowly inching its way up my throat as we speak prior to launching itll be spectacular and by spectacular i really mean you get to deal with my ruined laptop    
CG: WHAT IN THE SHITFUCKING WART-ASSED HELL ARE YOU SPOUTING, YOU BLASPHEMOUS CROTCH STAIN???    
TG: no fail see that was funny not annoying oh god rezi help help    
CG: YOU SHUT YOUR BULGE HOLSTER, STRIDER.    
TG: still funny urgh urgh what is happening to my face it keeps twitching oh the humanity   
TG: trollanity    
GC: 1TS C4LL3D 4 SM1L3 D4V3 L3T 1T COM3! 1 PROM1S3 1T WONT HURT   
GC: MUCH    
TG: failanity    
CG: YOUR GENETIC DONORITY. NO BUT SERIOUSLY SHUT UP, WE'RE GETTING OFF TOPIC THERE.    
GC: STOP! W3BC4M T1M3    
GC: 1 C4N SM3LL TH3 SM1L3S ON BOTH OF YOU 4ND 1 W4NT TH3M NOW >:]   
GC: CHOP CHOP    
TG: very funny tz let me check my frontal fleshshield for oh my god what is that is it a trail of facial hair drawing the ancient sigils for nope    
GC: POT3NT14LLY L1T3R4LLY    
TG: ... 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent gallowsCalibrator [GC] the file "itsjustamuscletwitchokay.jpg" --   
\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG] sent gallowsCalibrator  [GC] the file "fuckyounowmyfacehurts.jpg" -- 

GC: > :]]~   
TG: i bet shes gonna put them up as her wallpaper and touch herself now  
TG: no bad tz discussion time comes before porn time  
TG: and ideally porn time should be a team effort wasnt that what the fucking memo was for to figure out which of this clusterfuck of amorous tangles got to hook up first  
TG: i made a funny see => *fucking* memo   
CG: I AM AWASH IN HILARITY. DROWNING IN THE FARCICAL.   
CG: ... HUH.   
GC: > :?   
CG: UH. NOTHING.   
CG: YOU EVER HAVE A MOMENT WHERE YOU LOOK AT A PERFECTLY ORDINARY WORD AND THEN SUDDENLY IT MEANS SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY  
CG: BUT THAT WAS JUST PLAIN STUPID HAHA.   
GC: K4RK4T YOUR T3XT 1S ST4RT1NG TO T4ST3 OF TH3 D4RK3ST JU1C13ST CH3RR13S  
GC: 1 D3M4ND 4N 3XPL4N4T1ON   
TG: okay its not like were not used to you spouting bullshit that makes everyone ashamed for exactly no reason they can figure out in a ten miles radius  
TG: stop playing it coy i can guarantee tz will not find you any less of a worthless wretch and i will not find you any less comparable to a light dusting of itching powder upon my ballsack   
CG: OKAY, JEGUS, SHUT IT.   
CG: CLUSTERFUCK.   
CG: TAKE IT APART INTO ITS COMPONENT WORDS.   
GC: >:O   
TG: ... today a strider discovers shame  
TG: the shame of not having thought about it first   
GC: 1 4M SHOCK3D   
TG: because holy flipping burgers and good st ronald help me but for a people with institutionalized polyfuckery you guys are a bunch of total prudes that way   
GC: SHOCK3D!!   
GC: 4ND 4LSO STR4NG3LY 4ROUS3D   
TG: the one threesome quadrant is the one thats explicitly about cockblocking whats up with that   
GC: POOR OSTR4C1Z3D POULTRY >:[   
CG: YES HAHA VERY FUNNY. IN THE NEWS TONIGHT KARKAT VANTAS IS SECRETY AN EGREGIOUS SEXUAL DEVIANT. LET US RIFF ON THAT SOME MORE. THERE HAS NOT YET BEEN ANY SPONTANEOUS RAPPING ON THE SUBJECT.   
TG: not gonna be long i can feel the inspiration rising   
CG: OH, SHUT THE HELL UP.   
TG: the inspiration is what I call my junk btw  
TG: cause its been known to lead to religious awakening odes to its glory monuments built in its image and then papered in gold and also the odd violin rap concert or two   
CG: ONCE AGAIN, HILARITY. 

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] sent carcinoGeneticist[CG] the file "inspiremeharderbb.jpg" --

GC: D4V3 1 4M D3DUCT1NG V14 MY K33N S3NS3 OF OBS3RV4T1ON 4ND TH3 F4CT TH4T K4RK4T H4S B33N S1L3NT FOR TH3 L4ST TH1RTY S3CONDS TH4T 1F 1 DONT G3T 4 COPY 1N TH3 N3XT T3N S3CONDS 1 SH4LL B3 MOST D1SPL34S3D >:O   
TG: no worries babe here at strider incorporated we are all about client satisfaction 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent gallowsCalibrator [GC] the file "inspiremeharderbb.jpg" -- 

GC: OOH MR STR1D3R OOH  
GC: 1 ST1LL TH1NK 1T LOOKS W31RD >:/   
GC: BUT ODDLY 4LLUR1NG!   
TG: said the dickgirl waving her tentacle at the unsuspecting schoolboy   
CG: NO, TEREZI IS RIGHT, IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING YOU'D CLUB BABY BLUBBERBEASTS WITH.   
TG: feel free to compare my beef truncheon to an actual truncheon some more baby i am totally down with that if i was any downer id be like sprawled alluringly on the ground   
CG: ONLY MUCH SMALLER OF COURSE.   
CG: AND WITH A MUSHROOM AT THE END, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS EVEN GOOD FOR? I WONDER WHICH OF US IMBECILES DESIGNED THAT PARTICULAR PIECE OF WHAT THE FUCK.   
GC: 3QU1US.   
CG: DEFINITELY EQUIUS.   
TG: yeah you know how my inspiration was rising well now its kind of petering out   
GC: HOW T3RR1BL3! >:O WH4T F13NDS COULD COMM1T SUCH 4 CR1M3?   
TG: you assholes how could you ive been nursing this boner ever since we opened that fucking chat and now there it goes without even getting to cozy up to any alien pussy  
TG: or manpussy i dont discriminate a manpussy is fine too  
TG: but nope wilted condemning two fine people to brutal strider starvation   
CG: TRULY A TRAGEDY FOR THE AGES. MY BLOODPUSHER WEEPS.   
CG: THERE, THERE, STRIDER. TAKE STRENGTH IN KNOWING THAT YOUR BULGE MIGHT BE TRAGICALLY MALFUNCTIONING BUT OURS ARE STILL IN FINE WORKING ORDER. CARNAL KNOWLEDGE CAN STILL BE GAINED.   
TG: i cant believe it are you suggesting you guys have the sex while i sit on the sidelines like a hobo ogling through the window of a four stars restaurant  
TG: is that what youre suggesting you ludicrous asshole remind me to slap you in the mouth  
TG: okay watching the two of you might revivify my boner but my fragile tender heart might get crushed what is this devils bargain   
TG: my heart in one hand my mayonnaise cannon in the other hand goddamn theyre the same weight how am i meant to choose   
CG: I WOULD *NEVER*. HOW CAN YOU ACCUSE ME OF WISHING TO CAUSE YOU SUCH TEARING AGONY. SWEETHEART.   
CG: BUT LET US LOOK AT LIFE IN A POSITIVE LIGHT! WHILE YOU MIGHT BE SADLY NOOK-IMPAIRED YOU STILL HAVE TWO HOLES LEFT TO STUFF. THAT ONE OF THEM MIGHT LEAD TO SWEET, BLESSED SILENCE WOULD BE A PURE CONCIDENCE AND NOT AT ALL THE GOAL OF THE EXERCISE.   
GC: K4RK4T WHY 1 N3V3R!   
GC: YOU 4R3 1ND33D TH3 K1NK13ST OF US 4LL 4ND H4V3 4LL MY 4DM1R4T1ON  
GC: 4LSO SOLD! PROBL3M SOLV3D! TH1S M3MO 1S OFF1C14LLY OBSOL3T3 >:]   
CG: ... WAIT, WHAT?   
TG: no yeah wait what?   
CG: TEREZI, I WAS KIDDING.   
GC: 1M NOT  
GC: MY BLOCK T3N M1NUT3S   
GC: DONT M4K3 M3 HUNT YOU BOYS DOWN  
GC: >:]   
GC: > :]   
GC: >:] 

GC banned CG from responding to memo.   
GC banned  TG from responding to memo.   
GC banned herself from responding to memo. 


End file.
